Sure, it was hard to ditch the turkey at Thanksgiving and the roast beef at Christmas, but we handled it. Instead, we experimented making unique ethnic dishes emphasizing real vegetables and unusual grains even if it did take three times more effort and time and taxed stomachs not used to all the beans.

What was more disappointing was not being able to use butter and eggs to make the traditional cakes and cookies that had been passed with pride through my mother’s side of the family. I tried hard to make new plant-based desserts with substitute ingredients, but – no matter what anybody claims – they just do not taste the same. Without these memorable recipes, our family gatherings always feel lacking.

The last straw came after we had a barbecue with our daughter’s family and grilled some of the new fancy vegan burgers. Afterward I became violently ill and only then discovered it contained a new synthetic ingredient that irritates digestive systems of people who have inflammatory conditions like mine.

Now that I’m 75, I am done. I just don’t have the body, time or energy to fight the veganism battle anymore. What can be done?

– Unhappy at the Holiday Table

Dear Holiday Table: I believe that you’ve made a good faith effort to honor your daughter’s veganism, but I also believe that your resentment over this life choice is coloring your experience. You characterize this as a battle, but who is fighting?

For instance, if you want the traditional cakes and cookies at a holiday, what’s stopping you from making them for yourself and other non-vegan guests, while still making (or assigning someone to make) vegan alternatives? No, they will not taste the same. This is true of any recipe modification. If you need the originals at your holiday meals, you can have them.

I don’t see demands from your daughter in your letter. Now, they might be there in reality and, if that’s the case, then the situation is slightly different. But, either way, ask yourself what’s necessary for reasonable accommodations and what’s too much for you. If you don’t like vegan burgers, perhaps a burger-centric barbecue isn’t the best option. For instance, there are so many vegan options for outdoor gatherings that can be made with items in your fridge and pantry right now, from pasta salads to veggie skewers to more adventurous options like pulled jackfruit with barbecue sauce and grilled portabella mushrooms.

Dear Eric: We live in a 14-unit, mostly self-managed condo building. We have been here 17 years. The woman above us had been here 25 years (or more) when we moved in.

Over the last several years, she has become increasingly difficult. It did not help that I was on the condo board when she was not paying her assessments, not fulfilling her chapter 13 plan, etc.

She is upset that she hears noises from other units. In retaliation, she makes noise so that the rest of us will have to experience what she is going through. The worst is when she runs noisy appliances that she is not actually using, sometimes creating a loud, grinding sound. When we ask her to stop, she tells us that these are the reasons she is making the noise.

She plays music or her TV loud enough to interfere with my concentration. And she occasionally bangs on walls or ceilings and screams “Go back where you came from” and other invective at the tenant, who is a refugee.

Worse than that, she has called the police to complain about the noise from the upstairs tenant more than once when it was just a mom and baby.

I suppose I should be grateful that the music is usually not objectionable (no metal, lots of oldies). But I am angry that this continues, and I want it to stop.

What do you recommend?

– Want Quiet

Dear Quiet: This sounds awful, no pun intended. As a former member of your condo’s board, you’re probably familiar with the building’s rules. Is there a quiet enjoyment clause that your neighbor is violating? If so, you should bring this ongoing issue to the current board. Now, as you write, she has a history of not paying her assessments, so it sounds like this board isn’t especially effective at enforcing its own rules. Should the current board prove unhelpful, you can consult with an attorney who specializes in condo boards and HOAs for more options for resolving internal disputes.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

I am recently divorced and hope to stay away from abusive family dynamics and also hope to remarry in the future. I feel that my sister would sabotage my life, health and future in a new relationship, should I find one. I also can’t support her and myself. Lastly, she wants me to have a baby with IVF and raise the baby with her, in a cult she is a part of. I just want to run.

– Sister Obligation

Dear Sister: Lace up your running shoes and get going. A healthy relationship with your sister is possible, but it’s going to require internal guardrails that you’re diligent about maintaining. Physical distance, at least for a period, will help.

Please consult with an estate attorney regarding the disposition of your mother’s assets. It may not be too late for a fairer distribution. But with regard to everything else – the house, the baby (?!), the cult – do the 100-meter dash. It sounds like you’ve fallen into unhealthy patterns with regard to your relationship with your sister, many of which may not be your fault. Getting some distance and talking to professionals – a lawyer and a counselor, to start – will help you get one of the greatest inheritances: healthy perspective.

Dear Eric: My husband struggles a lot with executive function, especially when he is stressed. For the most part he’s fine with work but personal stuff – anticipating how much money he might need for something, keeping track of where his driver’s license is – he always “needs” me to handle for him. We have had many conversations about how I am his wife with a full-time job of my own, not his personal assistant. But he gets upset if I can’t just drop everything to help him out.

He will text me at work to order him a coffee from an app on my phone because he forgot to bring his wallet out that day and then call me if I don’t respond. Every time one of us is away, he totally falls apart and major crises happen that require a lot of my attention.

Recently, he got into a huge fiasco with his hotel reservation when on a solo trip, in part because he lost all his bank cards the morning he left. I ended up having to duck out of a conference I was helping to facilitate multiple times throughout the day because he was texting me torrents of messages in a panic and I was getting calls and emails from the hotel to pay his bill, etc. It was crazy stressful and professionally embarrassing.

This stuff doesn’t happen all the time, but it always happens when he is feeling particularly stressed or vulnerable, and always whenever we are apart, which feels manipulative to me. He sees a therapist, but he won’t consider speaking to a doctor about medications or even admit to the severity of the problem. It’s hard not to get resentful. Where do I go from here?

– Spouse, not Assistant

Dear Spouse: The book “Dirty Laundry: Why Adults with ADHD Are So Ashamed and What We Can Do to Help Them” written by married co-authors Richard Pink and Roxanne Emery is a fantastic resource for couples. While it will help you both, your husband’s pattern of panicked helplessness, and your compensating responses, point to a larger issue that may not be solely to blame on neurodivergence. You’ll want to work this out in couple’s therapy.

It’s, generally, good that he sees you as an escape hatch from feelings of stress and vulnerability. But he’s gotten into a pattern that, I suspect, creates even more stress and vulnerability. If you’re the only one who can solve the problems – panic is sure to follow.

A therapist can help you jointly explore where this stress is coming from, and what messages he’s telling himself about being apart from you that contribute to that stress.

This is also a good place to get into why he won’t talk to a doctor and talk through the ways that his crises impact you. A neutral third party can help you both safely and productively unpack behavior on his part that reads like a blatant disregard for your time and help you both develop new strategies for communicating and problem-solving.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

I don’t feel right being in the same room with her. We have decided not to attend family functions if she will be there. I guess I wanted your advice. We are just doing what we feel is right. My husband is very supportive. Thoughts?

– Avoiding an Ex

Dear Avoiding: I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t feel the way you feel. But I would love it if you asked a couple of questions about those feelings. While I understand how the initial reunion might be awkward, 43 years is a long time and I’m curious what the nature of the lingering discomfort is.

Maybe this is the only other person, besides you, who has been intimate with your husband. If that’s the case, you might take comfort in the fact that she doesn’t really know your husband. You’ve had 37 years of marriage; they had one night. They’re essentially strangers.

I only push this because it would be a shame for you to cut off your family over this. Isolation can be dangerous. The past has power, but sometimes we give it more power than it needs. You don’t have to be friends with her or even talk to her. But try not to let one night in the past rob you of days of joy and community in the present.

Dear Eric: Many years ago, my brother married a woman with whom he had five children, before her affair led to a divorce. While they were married for 14 years, she did not want him to have anything to do with his siblings, and he complied as he did not want to upset her.

After their divorce, we welcomed him back into the family with open arms. At the time, their kids were three and 13 years old. Because of the 14 years apart, us siblings never bonded with our nieces and nephews, and not for lack of trying.

For the record, I have always maintained a cheerful and pleasant demeanor around them, never a mention of their mom.

Fast-forward 20 years. Our brother came down with stage 4 cancer two years ago, and we all tried to visit him as much as possible. As he got progressively sicker, one of the nephews moved him to their home, and was a gatekeeper of their dad. We had to “go through” the nephews in order to visit or even talk to our brother.

Ultimately, he was on his deathbed, and we were not allowed to see him or even talk to him. We had to relay our messages of love through the nephews. The actual death was relayed to us via text message.

It’s been seven months since he died, and I feel extremely resentful of my nieces and especially my gatekeeper nephews for keeping our beloved brother from us. How do I get over this increasing resentment? I don’t know if I even care to try any longer to have a relationship with them, especially when it is one-sided, but it makes me very sad.

– Sad Aunt

Dear Aunt: The resentment you feel is absolutely valid. What your nephews and nieces did to you was unkind and there’s no way for them to fully fix it. However, perhaps you’ll find some solace by putting their behavior into context. They grew up separated from you and, it stands to reason, hearing all manner of stories about your family. It’s unclear why your brother’s ex-wife was so determined to keep you from their children. That context matters, too.

Regardless of the reason, regardless of where fault lies, the nieces and nephews are making what they believe to be the best decisions based on the information they’ve received and the experiences they’ve had. There may be unresolved trauma there, there may be a hurtful narrative about the family that has impacted the way they see the world. There’s surely grief that they’re navigating. All of these things matter.

What you’ve been through matters, too. But, as someone who has witnessed the full arc of your nieces and nephew’s stories thus far, please grant them some grace. Because they don’t want a relationship, despite your efforts and best intentions, the loving thing to do for now is release them from blame for the things they couldn’t control about their lives and forgive them for the things they could. Do this for your own peace, and so that the grief you’re feeling over the death of your brother can be processed without the obstruction of anger.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

I’ve been broken up with my ex for almost four months now. I did everything the experts recommend — blocked him on social media, deleted his number and even asked mutual friends not to mention him. I was doing well until I realized I could still see his Spotify playlists even though I blocked him. Now I find myself checking them obsessively. Every new song he adds feels like it might contain a message for me — whether he misses me, is angry with me, is moving on, etc.

I know this behavior isn’t a great use of my time, but I can’t seem to stop. I’ve memorized his listening patterns and check for updates multiple times daily. Sometimes I even create my own playlists with songs I hope he’ll notice, though I have no idea if he even looks at my account anymore. How do I break this last digital connection when it feels like my only remaining window into his life? Is there any chance he really is communicating through these playlists, or am I just torturing myself? — Discovering Joy Separate from A Dance Soundtrack

Dear DJSADS,

The heart is amazing at finding loopholes, isn’t it? You barricade all the windows to your loneliness and pain, only for that f—er to sneak in through the dog door.

I get it. I too have tediously analyzed an ex’s music playlists, searching for myself, searching for clues about how she was faring in my absence, but mostly to reassure myself that she was hurting as much as I was. We do this not because we’re masochists but because the human mind craves patterns and meaning, especially when our hearts are still processing loss. And the human heart is the greatest enabler there is.

The digital age has, unfortunately, given us so many strange new forms of lingering, where we can be both completely separated yet secretly connected, secretly watching.

There’s also something painfully intimate yet safe-seeming about watching someone’s music choices unfold from a distance. It’s easy to convince yourself that what you’re doing is harmless. It’s not like you’re texting them or watching their reels on a loop.

But …

You knew there was a but, right?

Think about what checking his playlists actually gives you: momentary connection followed by hours of ruminating, uncertainty, and pain. It’s like pressing on a bruise to remember what caused it.

Because when you do listen to his music, you’re reopening the wound just a tiny bit. You’re prolonging the healing that you need to move on.

Here’s the difficult truth: You’re standing at the edge of an ocean, convincing yourself you can decode the movements of a single wave. But these playlists likely aren’t cryptic communications — they’re simply the soundtrack to his continuing life, one that’s now separate from yours.

And even if he is sending messages to you, ask yourself why you need to receive them? What good could come from it? Messages sent through such an indirect channel are rarely clear or constructive. They exist in a murky realm of plausible deniability — designed to affect you without requiring any actual vulnerability or accountability from him.

Consider what you’re truly seeking in these playlists. Is it closure? Confirmation that he’s suffering too? Evidence that you still matter? These are natural desires after a relationship ends, but they can’t be satisfied by analyzing song lyrics. All they do is keep you tethered to a relationship that no longer exists except in memory and speculation.

The most painful realization might be this: Whether he’s thinking of you or not, whether those songs are about you or completely unrelated, the outcome remains the same. You’re still broken up. You still need to heal. And healing, especially in the early days, requires closing even the smallest windows that let in the draft of what-ifs and maybe-stills.

Your attention is precious — it’s the currency of your life. Every minute spent decoding his musical choices is a minute not invested in your own renewal. It’s time diverted from discovering what your life sounds like without the background noise of this relationship.

Remember that true messages worth receiving come directly, honestly, and with clear intentions. They don’t require endless interpretation or leave you guessing. They don’t maintain ambiguity or keep you suspended in uncertainty.

You deserve communication that serves your healing, not speculation that prolongs your pain. And most importantly, you deserve to be the composer of your own life’s soundtrack — one that plays forward, not on endless repeat.

You’ve done the difficult work of blocking contact elsewhere — actions that took courage and self-respect. This final digital tether is keeping you suspended between moving forward and looking back.

Your healing doesn’t lie in deciphering his music choices but in reclaiming your own soundtrack. Music has real power — it can transport us through time and emotion. Right now, you’re using that power to stay tethered to the past instead of scoring your future.

Try this: Create a playlist that has nothing to do with him. Fill it with songs that speak to where you want to be, not where you’ve been. When the urge to check his account surfaces, play your forward-looking music instead. (Or add new songs to it. Or share it with someone else who might need a boost.)

Create a new account for yourself if you need more distance. (You can always come back to the old one when you’re ready.) The temporary pain of losing this connection will be nothing compared to the freedom waiting on the other side.

A few months from now, you could still be analyzing his playlists for hidden meanings — or you could be living fully in your present, with music that celebrates where you’re going and who you are.

You deserve to be the protagonist of your own story, not a spectator to his. The moment you cut this final cord is the moment your own music can finally play without interference.

Your future is waiting. It has its own soundtrack, and it sounds like wholeness. Listen close.

___

(Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter or check out her books!)

I’ve been with my boyfriend for eight months, and overall, things are great. He’s kind, funny and a dedicated teacher. The issue? When he’s not working, he’s gaming — sometimes six or seven hours a night. I don’t mind that he has a hobby, but it bugs me that he devotes nearly all of his free time to it. I don’t want to be the nagging girlfriend, and this isn’t a deal-breaker (yet), but I do feel neglected and a bit judgmental about it. It’s not like I never waste my time — I could stand to be on my phone a lot less, but still, it bothers me. Is there anything I can do to get more of his attention without making him feel like I’m trying to change him? — Grappling with A Major Entertainment Obsession, Very Exhausted & Resentful

Dear GAMEOVER,

Let’s start with some real talk: Six to seven hours a night is a lot of gaming. That’s not a hobby; that’s almost a full-time job with no paycheck. I completely understand why this bugs you — when you’re in a relationship, you want quality time together, not just the occasional nod from across the room while he’s slaying pixelated dragons.

But before you go sharpening your pitchfork, let’s talk about why he might be so immersed. For some people, video games aren’t just entertainment — according to peer-reviewed research, they can be a coping mechanism, foster social connectedness, and act as a stress reducer, as well as a way to enter a flow state, that beautiful mental zone where you’re totally engaged, focused, and in the moment. (There’s actually a great TED Talk on this by Adam Grant about playing Mario Kart if you want to dig into the psychology.) In short, gaming might be giving your boyfriend something deeply fulfilling — just, unfortunately, not in a way that involves you.

The key to these emotional and psychological benefits, however, is moderation, which your boyfriend is lacking.

That said, in every relationship, there are going to be things about our partner that drive us bananas. The question we often pose when faced with these banana-isms tends to be “How do I fix this?” but a better question is “Can I live with this?” Every long-term relationship involves tolerating something (often several somethings): a weird fixation, an aversion to washing dishes, a dog that hates you, or — yes — a gaming habit that verges on obsession.

A few questions to consider going forward:

Would this bother you as much if the hobby were something else?

If he were reading Thich Nhat Hanh six hours a day, or volunteering at an animal shelter, would it still feel like neglect? If yes, then the core issue isn’t what he’s doing—it’s how absent he feels from your relationship.

Have you told him, plainly and directly, how you feel?

Not passive-aggressively (“Wow, must be nice to have that much free time”) but honestly. A simple, “Hey, I love spending time with you, but I feel like I come second to your gaming. Can we talk about this?” goes a long way.

Is there room for compromise?

Maybe he scales back a few nights a week, or you find a way to spend time together that fits into his world. Ever tried co-op gaming? Or, if games aren’t your thing, set up designated “us time” before he disappears into his digital lair.

Also worth asking: What isn’t he doing?

Because that much screen time means something else is getting neglected — whether it’s cooking real meals instead of surviving on Hot Pockets, exercising, cleaning his house, or investing in your relationship. Even the most time-consuming hobbies need balance, and if he’s consistently choosing virtual worlds over real-life connection, it’s not just about gaming — it’s about priorities. If he can’t make time for the basics of self-care, where does that leave you?

And, the kicker: Can you live with this, long-term?

If he’s a good partner in all other ways — attentive when he’s not gaming, present when it matters — this might be a habit you tolerate as part of the overall package. But if you’re constantly feeling ignored, and he’s unwilling to meet you halfway, that’s a different conversation.

At the end of the day, relationships aren’t about finding someone perfect; they’re about deciding whose quirks and habits you can live with. If this one is just a mild irritation, you might be able to work around it. But if not? Well, then it might be game over for you, GAMEOVER.

___

(Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter or check out her books!)

My husband’s father passed away a year ago. My husband coordinated a family outing to the beach for Father’s Day. We found out that his brother hosted his mother and sister for a barbecue down the block after the gathering. We were not invited. His mother said we were invited but we said we hadn’t been because no one texted.

We previously hosted Mother’s Day and a get together for his brother’s birthday. What should I do other than shake my head at the blatant disrespect?

– Left Out

Dear Left Out: Well, it depends on what’s really going on here. Is this slight part of an on-going pattern that has slowly worn you down over the last 35 years? Or is this something new, perhaps related to the relationship between your husband and his brother?

Or is it possible that the brother and mother simply assumed that you and your husband would come over?

Without more to go on, I have to switch to more general advice for being left out of invitations, particularly with family: assume the best and communicate the truth as you see it. You felt disrespected and your feelings are valid, but they’re not going to go away without working through them. Part of that work can be telling your brother-in-law that you would’ve liked to join the barbecue and asking that he text you directly next time. The second part is crucial – you wouldn’t be simply pointing out a problem in the past, you’d be making a suggestion for a more communicative future.

Dear Eric: I am married to my second wife. We are older. My only son, and his wife live close by, with their two daughters.

Recently, we bought tickets to an event for the four of us adults to attend. When we gave the tickets to my son and his wife, months ago, they seemed very excited and said they would find a way to get time off from work, find babysitters and attend this event with us. We bought the hotel rooms that would be needed, as well.

My son informed me recently that something has come up, work related, that he cannot get out of. I am sure this is true.

The problem is this keeps happening. We make plans, they are all in and then something comes up and they have to cancel. They often ask us to babysit since the granddaughters are too young to stay at home alone. We drop everything and are happy to babysit. We love those little girls.

We feel used and not appreciated. It feels like a one-way street. My wife loves my son and his family as if they were her own. But she feels like all of the canceled plans are because of her, that they don’t like being around her as much as she likes being around them. We want to quit giving gifts and quit making plans. Not to be vengeful, we just have been burned so many times now.

Is it wrong to request some time with the adults? Are we being too sensitive about canceled plans? The most recent episode has ruined my wife’s whole weekend. How can we work through this?

– Canceled, Again

Dear Canceled: It feels like a one-way street because it is and that street leads directly to the raising of your granddaughters, which is what your son and his wife are rightfully focusing on. A lot of these issues can be chalked up to the difficulty of balancing parenthood with career and life. For many people, especially those with young kids, adult social engagements get the short end of the stick. Please, try not to take it personally.

I’m concerned about the leap to the assumption that they’re avoiding your wife. Why would that be? Isn’t it easier to believe that they simply have a lot going on in life right now?

You and your wife have more capacity for social plans and, presumably, fewer last-minute changes. I know that you’re trying to make it easy for them to say yes to things, from purchasing tickets to arranging hotels, but see if you can lower the bar even more.

What are the plans or gifts that would actually make things easier for your son and daughter-in-law in this phase of life? Maybe getting off of work and finding a babysitter in order to spend time with you feels like another in the long list of responsibilities right now, instead of an escape. I hope you’ll extend some more empathy to them. Requesting more adult time is fine, but you have to also listen to what they’re requesting of you, too.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over a year and recently found that he has been sexting strangers (single women and couples) on an app the entire time we’ve been together. When I found out I felt hurt, not just from the sexting but also because he has refused to sext with me ever. And he rarely initiates sex with me, and has turned down all my attempts when I try to. He says that it was just playing out fantasies through words, and swears that he never hooked up with anyone. I believe him but don’t know how to move forward from this. Is it cheating? — Sexting Others Sucks

Dear SOS,

There’s a special kind of pain that comes from finding your partner has been sharing intimate words with strangers — particularly when said words have been explicitly withheld from you. That does, indeed, suck.

Because now the rejection you’ve felt in your own attempts at connection carries the additional weight of broken trust.

As I’ve said before, there’s no universal definition of “cheating” — each couple has to define this for themselves. Unfortunately, many couples never explicitly discuss these boundaries at all, leading to hurt feelings when unstated lines are crossed.

TL;DR: Discuss your boundaries early and often in relationships!

When navigating morally ambiguous situations, I find it helpful to ask yourself one simple question: Will this action hurt my partner? If yes, then you already have your answer about whether you should proceed.

Your boyfriend’s actions hurt you and even if digital actions land differently than physical ones, betrayal isn’t measured by physical touch alone. It’s measured by the secrets kept, the intimacy shared elsewhere, and the rejection you’ve experienced within your relationship.

What makes this situation particularly painful is the contradiction: He refuses the very intimacy with you that he freely gives to strangers. This rejection creates a wound that cuts deeper than the sexting itself. You’ve been left wondering: Why them and not me? What’s wrong with me?

The answer is nothing — there’s nothing wrong with you. This situation speaks to issues within him and within your relationship.

His explanation that these were “just fantasies” fails to address the real issue — that he’s created an intimate barrier between you while lowering those barriers for others. Fantasy exploration can be great and healthy, but not when it comes at the cost of your primary relationship’s intimacy.

So what now?

First, honor your feelings. Don’t minimize your hurt or let anyone convince you that digital connections “don’t count.” They clearly matter to him, or he wouldn’t spend time seeking them. And they clearly matter to you because you wrote to me.

Second, have a truly honest conversation about your sexual compatibility. If he’s unable or unwilling to engage sexually with you but needs sexual outlets, this represents a fundamental misalignment. Ask directly: “What needs are being met through these conversations that aren’t being addressed between us?” His answer — and his willingness to answer honestly — will tell you much about the potential future of your relationship.

Third, establish clear boundaries. If you choose to continue the relationship, what digital behavior is acceptable to you? What steps will he take to rebuild trust? Will he allow transparency about his online activities?

Finally, consider what you truly want. A relationship should make you feel desired, respected and emotionally secure. If these basic needs aren’t being met after a year together, and especially after this breach of trust, ask yourself if this relationship truly serves your well-being.

Remember that relationships should add to your life, not diminish it. You deserve a partner who channels their desire and intimate energy toward you, not away from you. Whether this relationship can heal depends on his willingness to understand the depth of the hurt caused, take concrete steps to rebuild trust, and prioritize intimacy with you above connections with strangers.

Whatever you decide, know that your feelings are valid, your boundaries are important, and your happiness matters.

___

(Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter or check out her books!)

– Too Much Rest Room

Dear Room: Nope.

If you’re concerned that increased bathroom usage indicates a health problem, you can ask him. But chances are he just likes to use the restroom while the house is empty.

As to the lock, again you can ask. But if you’re already going around trying to open closed bathroom doors, it makes sense that he’d turn the latch for privacy.

Dear Eric: My family moved out of state to cut ties with my husband’s verbally and emotionally abusive mother. One brother did the same.

The last brother engaged in a horrific divorce, succumbed to drugs and alcohol and lives in my MIL’s basement. My husband eventually took his own life, and so now I live alone in a state six hours away.

My nephew (and godson) has been living in that household, being subjected to this abuse at the hands of his father and his grandmother. I have invited him to stay with me as he keeps calling and crying to me that he wants to be “normal” like my three kids; he wants to “break the cycle.”

I’ve laid down boundaries and directed him to employment openings in my area. My biggest worry is what to do if he messes up? Or starts imitating the dynamics of the family? How many chances should he get? Can you help with an exit strategy?

If he lies, gets fired, drinks, or something I haven’t imagined, can I put him out in a state where he knows no one? He is saving for a car but has totaled two, plus a motorcycle, in the past. Thank you for any insight you can provide.

– Protective Aunt

Dear Aunt: It’s wise of you to think through in advance the different ways that this could go. There are always unknowns when you invite a relative to live with you, plus you’ll be in a de facto parental role. So, boundaries and expectations should be crystal clear.

Consequences should be crystal clear as well. If lying, drinking or getting fired are deal breakers for you, you should tell him that in advance, put it in writing and mutually acknowledge the consequence. And that consequence can be that he has to move back home, if that’s what you want.

One of your objectives is helping your nephew mature and flourish in a safe environment. Understanding consequences is part of that maturation.

As you set consequences, however, think carefully about which behaviors are unacceptable even once and which behaviors are opportunities for improvement. You have to protect yourself, your home and your peace, so I understand your concern. But it’s also helpful to think about the context that your nephew is coming from. He may benefit from both clear, strong consequences and gentle leeway where appropriate.

Dear Eric: This is in response to “Loving But Frustrated Daughter,” whose 92-year-old mother lives in a secluded rural home in the Midwest, very distant from the daughter’s home in Southern California. The mother scolds the daughter when she needs to end what’s been a long phone conversation, and the daughter feels guilty trying to please and support her mother while carving out time for herself and her family.

I have always lived a considerable distance from my mother, grandmother and then a mother-in-law, and “back in the day” we corresponded regularly with written letters and cards. A card or letter received in the mail brightens anyone’s day and can be picked up and reread at the receiver’s convenience and saved for as long as the receiver cares to do so. Letters do not need to be long, and if poor vision is a problem, could be written or printed in larger than normal font. This daughter could send a short letter or card once a week or every two weeks, and could even furnish her mother with self-addressed, stamped cards for the mother to jot a note on and send back.

My older relatives have all passed, but I still cherish the cards and letters we shared for so many years. This might be a helpful suggestion to your letter writer.

– Letter Writer

Dear Writer: Another great suggestion; thank you. I recently met someone who writes their grandmother a letter every single week and the tradition warmed my heart.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

After 12 years of marriage (17 together), I (38F) am ready to end things with my husband (40M). We’ve had our ups and downs — early struggles when he was unemployed, ongoing imbalance in household responsibilities and communication issues. While I handle most domestic tasks despite earning more, he contributes minimally and seems to think managing entertainment and “being fun” are his main roles.

His attitude worsened in 2020, becoming increasingly disrespectful. After experiencing health problems in 2021, I made significant lifestyle changes and gradually created a separate life within our home. Though his behavior has improved slightly in the last six months, I realized it only happened because I withdrew emotionally.

Now I’m happiest when he’s not around and don’t miss him during separations. I’ve decided on divorce and don’t want to attempt counseling since he’s avoided therapy for years despite my suggestions. How do I initiate this conversation without getting pulled into lengthy justifications or false promises of change? I don’t hate him, but I no longer want to be married to him. — Separate But Still Here

Dear SBSH,

There’s a unique grief that comes with accepting a marriage is over — not the sharp pain of sudden breakups, but the quiet acknowledgment that what you once built together can’t be saved. Your choice comes after years of trying to make things work despite the unbalanced responsibilities and disrespect. You’ve noticed he only improved his behavior when you pulled away — that tells you a lot.

Realizing you’re happier when your husband isn’t around is a powerful sign that you’ve already emotionally moved on. Many people reach this point after watching their love gradually disappear over time.

Before you have this difficult conversation, my advice is to get your practical matters in order. Talk to a divorce lawyer to understand your rights and options. Collect all important financial paperwork, make copies of joint documents, gather items of sentimental value and set up your own bank account if needed. Divorce can bring out the worst in people so setting up protective measures in advance will give you some peace of mind, even if you think you won’t need to.

Find a time when you’re both well-rested and free from distractions. Begin directly but compassionately: “I need to talk to you about something important. I’ve made the difficult decision that our marriage has reached its end, and I want a divorce.”

When you speak, own your feelings without assigning blame. Something like, “I’ve realized I need a different life than what we’ve built together” rather than listing his failures. This isn’t about winning an argument — it’s about clearly communicating a decision already made.

He may respond with shock, anger or sudden promises of transformation. Prepare mentally for these reactions without letting them divert you. Have a simple, repeated phrase ready: “I understand this is difficult to hear, but my decision is final.” Resist the urge to provide endless justifications or engage in circular debates about what might have been.

Consider arranging to stay elsewhere the night of this conversation if possible. This provides breathing room for you both to process initial emotions separately.

Remember that ending a marriage with compassion honors what once was good between you. Though your feelings have changed, 17 years together deserves a departure marked by respect, if not warmth.

In the days following, be kind to yourself. Surround yourself with supportive friends who won’t judge your choice. Create rituals of self-care — moments of peace amid the inevitable storm of separation. When things feel overwhelming, take five minutes to visualize your future. Close your eyes and see yourself waking up in a peaceful space arranged exactly as you prefer. Picture the morning sunlight falling across a room that reflects your tastes and priorities. Imagine the quiet satisfaction of a schedule dictated by your needs, the freedom to pursue health practices without justification, the relief of no longer walking on eggshells around someone’s mood.

Visualize yourself six months from now, perhaps sitting with a book in a favorite chair, feeling the weight of tension gone from your shoulders. See yourself a year ahead, rediscovering interests and connections that may have faded during your marriage. Picture yourself smiling spontaneously, not because anything particular happened, but because the background anxiety of an unfulfilling relationship has lifted.

The path ahead will have unexpected turns. There will be days when doubt clouds your resolve, when the familiar comfort of your old life beckons. But trust the wisdom that brought you to this moment. The courage to leave a situation that no longer serves your spirit is the same courage that will guide you toward a life where joy isn’t dependent on someone’s absence.

Your next chapter hasn’t been written yet. Its blank pages may seem terrifying now, but they’re also filled with the possibility of rediscovering parts of yourself that dimmed during your marriage. The woman who emerges from this transition will be stronger for having honored her truth, however difficult the telling of it may be.

___

(Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter or check out her books!)

I’m happier than I could have imagined with my decision to move here.

Something that has become apparent is, while I have a deep affection and love for these friends, I don’t have that much in common with them. This was not as apparent over the five decades that we would visit because the visits were short.

I’m often disappointed in some of the attitudes that my friends have, and I can be quite judgmental about their views. There seems to be an underlying consensus that people who have children (or chose a traditional path) are somehow more worthy because their burdens are greater than those who took an unconventional path and had no children.

All of these friends are married and have children. I, on the other hand, am very content in my decision to divorce after a brief but happy marriage and not procreate.

I am often quite judgmental of their views and sometimes find their stereotyping offensive, at best. I’d like to be less judgmental in their presence. Do you have any suggestions how I might achieve this?

– Feeling Judgmental

Dear Feeling: Even though you’ve known your friends for so long, it’ll be helpful to think of these relationships as somewhat new. As you noted, a lot can be gracefully ignored over a short visit. But now that you’re local, you (and they) have the opportunity to figure out just how much interaction actually works for you. Part of your judgment is coming from interacting too much. Some lifelong friends are also “every now and then” friends.

This involves acceptance. You know where they stand on certain things and, as long as those issues aren’t dangerous or morally unacceptable to you, you have the option of saying “I don’t love this part of my friend’s personality, but I do like my friend. Since I can’t change them, I’m going to acknowledge my own need to put space between us in order to keep things pleasant.”

The pressure you feel to express your judgment needs an escape valve. Go in knowing what feels conversationally off-limits to you, and work on cultivating other friendships that align with your values as a counterbalance.

Dear Eric: My friend fell on hard times and couldn’t afford his condo after retiring and living on Social Security. We are both seniors and friends for a long time. I am financially secure; I’m also disabled and older than he is. He asked if he could live with me and in return help with things I have difficulty with. I have a live-in caregiver that lives separate from the main house on the property. For years I have enjoyed living alone and was hesitant about taking him in because of how he is. I finally relented.

He does help me, so does my caregiver and eventually I will need two people, just not now. My friend is chaotic. He disrupts my morning, there is plenty of area for us to not be on top of one another, but he needs entertainment, and I seem to be the provider for it. My mornings are spent reading the paper, followed by the most recent book I’m on. He doesn’t read books or papers. I’m interrupted a number of times with questions or his view on politics. I’ve asked, told and even yelled for him to find something to do while I enjoy the morning the way I like. He stops but within a few days the same problem occurs. Is there a solution?

– Hectic Housemate

Dear Housemate: As with any living arrangement, if it’s not working out, then it’s time for one of you (him) to find a different place to live.

You’ve asked him to respect your space and time and he either can’t or won’t. So, this isn’t a workable long-term solution. Moreover, though you said you will need his help at some point, you don’t at present, so he’s essentially living rent-free. This would be fine if he was a compatible housemate, but he’s not.

Have a “state of the friendship” conversation in which you can calmly but clearly lay out the issues as you see them and either present him with an option (i.e., entertain yourself, please, or use the money you’ve saved to move out) or present him with a decision you’ve made. You’ve been friends for a long time so I hope that he can respond in a way that shows respect for you and your space. But, if he doesn’t, some distance might be healthy for the preservation of your friendship.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)